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Jokes
Jan 15, 2004 20:29:10 GMT 2
Post by Beldaran on Jan 15, 2004 20:29:10 GMT 2
a place to post jokes in..
" Why did you leave your last job?" " Because of illness" " Are you well now?" "There was nothing wrong with me. At the last place the director said he always felt sick every time he saw my face" --------------------------------------------- "The jet age is really miraculous," the government minister told his assistant. "Breakfast in Helsinki, dinner in Cairo and baggage in Frankfurt." ------------------------------------------------ " Hello," a stranger said to Kalle. " What's your name?" " Kalle" " And where do you live?" " At home" " Do you have any brother and sisters?" " Sure, I've got five. Two are alive and three are married." -------------------------------- Maija Called the fire department and screamed over the phone, "There's a man outside my window and he's trying to get in!" " Why don't you call the police?" answered the fire chief. " Because he needs a longer ladder, that's why!" ---------------------------------------------------- " What's the difference between me and a Viking," Olli asked. " No idea," said Ville " When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins!" ------------------------------------------------------ Jussi brought Liisa back to his room one evening and they shut the door. After a little while, Jussi's mother came and knocked on the door." Jussi, what are you two doing in there?" she asked " Nothing," Jussi replied. "My , My, that boy grows more like his father every day!"
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2004 20:35:07 GMT 2
Post by Beldaran on Jan 15, 2004 20:35:07 GMT 2
Ok, here are a few for the ladies (all in fun - no offence guys!) Men are like Floor tiles - if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years. Men are like Bank Accounts - Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like Blenders - You need one, but you're not sure why Men are like Chocolate - sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips Men are like Coffee - the best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night Men are like Commercials - You can't believe a word they say. Men are like Computers - Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like Eskys - load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Men are like Copiers - you need the for reproduction, but that's about it Men are like Curling Irons - they're always hot, and they're always in your hair Men are like Government Bonds - they take so long to mature Men are like High Heels - They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it Men are like Horoscopes - they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Men are like Lava Lamps - fun to look at, but not all that bright! Men are like Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like Parking Spots - the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped Men are like Popcorn - they satisfy you, but only for a little while Men are like Place mats - they only show up when there's food on the table Men are like Snow Storms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last Men are like Used Cars - both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable Men are like ATM's - once they withdraw they lose interest Men are like Bananas - the older the get, the less firm they are Men are like Newborn Babies - they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap Men are like Crystal - Some look really good, but you can still see right trough them. Men are like Dry Cleaners - Most work fast and leave no ring Men are like Laxatives - They irritate the sh*t out of you.
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Jokes
Jan 27, 2004 11:32:45 GMT 2
Post by Dallandra on Jan 27, 2004 11:32:45 GMT 2
Mrs Baker was going out for the day, so she locked the house and left a note for the milkman on the door. "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING." When she got back that night, she found her door open and her house burgled. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:' "THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT MUCH."
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2004 21:27:55 GMT 2
Post by Beldaran on Mar 23, 2004 21:27:55 GMT 2
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
She replied, "You're gonna die"
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A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you had set it free You either married it or gave birth to it.
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15 reasons why its better to be a woman than a man:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
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Jokes
May 24, 2004 12:51:12 GMT 2
Post by Beldaran on May 24, 2004 12:51:12 GMT 2
Found on another site....
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2004 13:32:33 GMT 2
Post by Beldaran on Sept 27, 2004 13:32:33 GMT 2
one of my fav' jokes.. though a different version.
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2004 8:18:36 GMT 2
Post by Dallandra on Sept 28, 2004 8:18:36 GMT 2
Lol...that one was funny!
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